STEALTH WEDDING!

Novel outline. Anyone want to see this?

STEALTH WEDDING

Jason and Sandy are young and in love. They would like a big wedding but they can’t afford one. So with the help of Sandy’s retired CIA agent dad Ozzie they scan the society pages and find a wealthy couple whom they resemble holding a lavish wedding. Jason’s plan is to piggy-back on Collin and Rachel’s Wedding—holding a quickie Jason/Sandy service and then rushing their guests over to the Collin/Rachel Wedding Reception (before the actual bride and groom) to eat, dance, and have their photos taken as the wedding couple. It’s Jason’s idea and as Sandy points out, Jason tends to dive into things thoughtlessly and avoid responsibility for his more impetuous decisions. Jason’s impetuosity is one of the things that attracted Sandy to him. Once Ozzie gets hold of the idea it takes on a life of its own.

Jason works as a landscaper but is really an inventor. His invention, Das Boot, incorporates hedge clippers in a boot. Triggered by toe and powered by the movement of the leg, clippers extend from beneath the toes (like Rosa Klegg’s poison blades in From Russian With Love.) Sandy is an RN.

Ozzie works the Collin/Rachel rehearsal dinner disguised as a caterer photographing the crowd so that his own wedding party can match them. Jason and Sandy don’t mind putting on a little make-up if it will save thousands of dollars.

The Jason/Sandy rehearsal dinner takes place in the hospital cafeteria (“Don’t order the donor kebab!”) where Sandy works and consists of a seminar on who among the blue collar Jason/Sandy guests will pose as whom among the Collin/Rachel guests. Ozzie sets up a table with maps and miniatures as if he were planning the invasion of Normandy. Ozzie briefs them on proper topics, locution, language, and etiquette. “Refer to your cottage in the Hamptons. You are graduates of Harvard or Yale and know Theresa Heinz Kerrey. If all else fails, claim that your Collin’s second cousin from Ontario.” Ozzie hands out counterfeit wedding invitations and driver’s licenses in case their challenged. Ozzie makes his own documents in the basement.

Collin and Rachel are bickering. Rachel’s best friend Rebecca saw Collin with that slut Lauren. Rachel is determined that every detail of her dream wedding will be perfect. They’ve hired a video crew to document the event, but so far they’ve only managed to document Rachel’s outrageous behavior.

Collin is having second thoughts. Why buy the cow when the milk is free? Collin’s best man Wendell is doing his best to queer the wedding.

Jason’s college girlfriend Rebecca is Rachel’s maid of honor.

Cuban-born lawyer Manny Velez marries Jason and Sandy in Ozzie’s home, then off to the Collin/Rachel Reception at the exclusive Blue Goose Club. Jason can’t find his dress shoes and hurriedly dons Das Boots. Ozzie rents a funeral limo. They cover the funeral home logo with “JUST MARRIED!” signs. Guests pull up in junkers and pick-up trucks. The maitre’d expresses reservations: “Are these really the wedding guests?” Ozzie tells him, “They’re donating these old vehicles to the Union to Preserve the Yellow-Rimmed Asian Sap Sucker immediately after the reception.” The maitre’d nods knowingly.

Jason and Sandy’s guests fall on the buffet like a horde of locusts.

As Sandy talks to a guest Jason eats her wedding cake. She turns around. “Did you eat my wedding cake?”

“No.”

The Collin/Rachel wedding takes place in a Big Church. The kiss is a peck. Collin and Rachel sit apart from each other in the limo, Jason with a half empty champagne bottle in his lap. Unexpected road construction delays the wedding party (Ozzie’s friends at work.) Collin orders the limo up and over the sidewalk, slamming into a parked SUV. The SUV’s owner, a middle-aged black woman wearing sunglasses and holding a briefcase, gets a good look at Collin giving her the finger as the limo roars away. Out flies the champagne bottle.

Pan to the SUV’s license plate: “JUDGE.”

At the Blue Goose the surprised valet says, “Who are that couple claiming to be you?”

Collin and Rachel storm the reception looking for interlopers, but Ozzie has prepared well. Jason and Sandy have changed into busboy and drink girl! Sandy serves Collin a drink. He tries to pick her up. The rest of Jason/Sandy’s guests blend in, talking swank and drinking beer in wine glasses with their pinkie fingers extended.

Collin and Rachel’s guests arrive to find the buffet table picked over like the Sudan and most of the tables occupied. The chef frantically prepares Vienna sausages in barbecue sauce and orders out from Pizza Castle.

Rebecca’s old boyfriend has obviously fallen on hard times. Rebecca introduces Jason to the bride’s father, J. Wellington Phipps IV, investment banker. J. Wellington thinks Collin is a weasel. J. Wellington thinks his daughter should have married that Cuban lawyer. J. Wellington needs a landscaper.

Sandy sees Jason with Rebecca. Tim approaches hoping she’ll forget the restraining order. Sandy dances with Tim to make Jason jealous. Jason is busy giving J. Wellington landscaping advice. J. Wellington gives Jason his card. “Call me.”

Lauren oozes up to Rachel and reminds the bride that she never threw out the bridal bouquet. “Fine,” Rachel snaps. “I’ll do it here.”

“What is your problem, girl?”

“You, you slut! I don’t want you at my wedding!”

Lauren slugs Rachel. They go at it like cage fighters. A brawl erupts. Cops arrive sirens wailing lights flashing with a warrant for Collin’s arrest for securities fraud. As cops in riot gear subdue the crowd, the police look for Collin. “That’s him,” one of Jason’s wedding guests helpfully points out. The police arrest “Jason” for securities fraud. Jason left his wallet in his dress pants when he changed. Jason to the hoosegow!

Police from two different municipalities round up the brawling guests. Tim loses his toupee in the melee.

Soon the cells are jammed with feuding wedding parties, girls here, boys there. Jason is thrown into a cell filled with criminal trolls led by a giant meth freak named Tiny. “Give me your shoes,” Tiny demands. “Fugghedaboudit!” Tiny lurches forward with a home-made shiv. Jason cues the clippers and kicks the guy in the nuts. Riot!

Guards rush to the cell and find a bunch of tatted criminals carrying Jason around like a king while the giant meth freak lies on his side in the corner moaning.

Jason tells his incredible tale to a hardened con named Vinnie. “Well there’s your out,” Vinnie says. “Blame the whole thing on Ozzie! It was his idea.”

Jason thinks about it.

Ozzie, Sandy and Manny race to the courthouse (in funeral limo) where “Collin” is about to make his initial appearance.

Both parties fill the courtroom. The phlegmatic judge asks if they have representation. The Collin/Rachel parties all have high-priced lawyers. The Jason/Sandy parties have public defenders: the Geico caveman, a Wiccan in a hooded robe, a dozing octogenarian, a kid whose voice is cracking, etc. Everybody starts screaming at once. The judge bangs his gavel and orders everybody back to holding until they calm down. If he has to do them one by one it will take all night.

Manny springs Jason by proving he’s not Collin. As Jason, Manny, Sandy and Ozzie leave the courtroom they see Rachel waiting for her initial appearance still clutching the bridal bouquet. Manny does a double-take. They met at a storefront legal clinic where Rachel volunteers. She begs Manny to help her, but since her party might sue his party that would represent a conflict of interest.

Collin threatens to sue everybody from the interlopers to the caterer. As Manny, Ozzie, Jason and Sandy walk down the hall a young weasel in a suit catches up to them.

Collin/Rachel are suing Jason/Sandy for everything they’re worth.

But if the parties agree to have their case heard by Judge Josie, they can have their day in court right now! The city’s so strapped for cash they rent a courtroom to The Judge Josie Show. The parties file in. Collin/Rachel in expensive party clothes, Jason/Sandy in their various prole disguises. The judge enters, takes her seat, looks at Collin and does a double-take. A grim smile settles on her face.

Collin accuses Jason/Sandy of deliberately trying to defraud Collin/Rachel of their reception. Jason cops to it. “Your honor, it’s true. We did plan to piggyback on their reception. It was all my idea.”

Ozzie stands. “Your honor, that’s not true. It was my idea.”
“No, mine!” Sandy says.

Judge Josie peers at Ozzie. “Do I know you?”

“Iran/Contra, your honor.”

Grey Goose staff testify how great the Jason/Sandy party was, and how arrogant and condescending Collin/Rachel were.

Rachel stands. “I want a divorce!”

Everybody starts screaming at everyone else. Judge bangs on her desk to no avail. She pulls out a chainsaw and revs it up. She starts sawing her desk in half.

Shock and awe. Judge Josie sits. “Our system of justice is far from perfect, and far too many guilty parties go free while far too many innocent pay the consequences. However, every once in a while life presents you with an opportunity to stand up for what’s right, reward virtue and punish villainy.”

Beat.

“Earlier today a hit-and-run driver struck my vehicle…”

Collin goes white.

“I am also informed that the bailiff is waiting to arrest you for securities fraud.”

Judge Josie offers a Collin a choice: one year community service or ten years in jail.

“She can’t do that!” Collin whines. His lawyer leans in. “She’s Judge Josie. She can do anything.”

The judge addresses Rachel. “Young lady, I’m granting you a divorce. However, I find that the Jason/Sandy party did indeed defraud the Collin/Rachel party. I award Collin/Rachel five thousand dollars that’s all get out.”

As the wedding guests leave the courtroom Rachel pauses at the top of the marble stairs. “Wait a minute, everybody! I’m going to throw my bridal bouquet!”

At the bottom of the marble steps Jason turns, slips on Tim’s toupee, and flips Das Boot high in the air as Rachel throws the bouquet. His clippers cut the bouquet in two; Rachel grabs half and Manny grabs half.

J. Wellington arrives as this occurs. Impressed with Jason’s innovation and athletic skills, he offers to bankroll Das Boot.