THE STRUGGLE IS REAL

The joys of ownership.

Last year woodpeckers attacked our house. Right outside my window. I opened the window and yelled at them. They flew away. Then they flew back. I stuffed the hollow they’d made with insect repellant. They were after the insects. I blew whistles at them. They relocated to another window down the wall. I bought rubber snakes and taped them to the wall. The woodpeckers laughed. I bought a giant owl and mounted it in a tree off the porch. The woodpeckers laughed.

I hired a handyman to take a look. “These boards they used to cover your house are rotten. They’re made of recycled suet.” The whole neighborhood is like that. Cheap ass. Our neighbor had to have his house resided. And we did too. We contacted the company that did his house. Theirs was the cheapest bid. It was more than thirty thousand dollars.

They came. They stripped off all the siding. They trampled all the plants. They got new siding up in time for winter. They would paint it next spring. Spring is here. How do I know? A little birdie told me so. A worm told her and her told me, it’s as plain as plain can be. But what color to paint the house? ENTER THE HOME OWNERS ASSOCIATION.

I had the house painted once before. I told them I would have it repainted the same color. That’s the last I heard of it. This time, however, Ann wanted a slightly different pastel shade. All the houses in our subdivision are pastel colored. There’s not a jarring color anywhere. The HOA, however, had very specific demands. They wanted to know the exact color, as demonstrated on the side of our house. Ann chose an attractive gray, similar to those new Hondas.

SHOW US THE PAINT SHOW US THE PAINT SHOW US THE PAINT chanted the HOA. So she had the house residers and putative painters paint a square on our garage door. It’s there for all to see. That was a week ago. We live in anticipation.

This entry is a placeholder while I write something of substance.